Category: Uncategorized

This is one of my favs. Where’s the modesty, I hear you cry. Gone for a cuppa, as I indulge myself in a little narcissistic poem.

 

Poem

I Think I Am a Narcissist

I think I am a narcissist I work at it every day.
I used to be an empath but I never got my own way.

I want to be a Youtube reality star as my life is such a hoot.
I never stop chatting. It’s all about me. I ‘m incapable of being mute.

I’ll list my worries, my woes, and my wishes.
If you are even slightly inattentive, you will be sacked as one of my bitches.

If I’m kind I’ll act the martyr. Virtue signaling is my thing.
Telling folk I give to the homeless makes me soooo understanding.

I’ll always create the drama and be mired in victimhood.
It’s really never my fault I am merely misunderstood.

I can be as useful as a jelly step ladder when it’s something I don’t want to do.
When it comes to the blame game. It’s never me, it’s all about you.

My primary concern is me, my life and my successes.
If this is not your concern, do one. You will be one less stressor.

I lack empathy. My greatest skill is gaslighting.
I could undermine the Pope. He’s really just attention seeking.

I am so talented, so grateful for my art.
But some people hear me and would rather smell a fart.

I think I am a narcissist but someone said I can’t be as I’m too fat.
I said you don’t need to be thin to be a narcissist you prat.

They said it’s a prerequisite if you’re to be a megalomaniac.
I told them to piss off and to kiss my giant crack.

I am Dustin the Turkey of spoken word.
A little bit crass a little bit witty and a little bit absurd.

My art is priceless It defies analysis.
Although someone said analyze is also anal eyes.
That my art is shit beyond surprise.

I want to be on RTÉ after all it’s all about me.

I try to be gritty and down-to-earth.
But I’m just too talented and a ridiculous flirt.

I met Sean Penn and Robin Wright in New York City.
He’s very small he only came up to my titties.

I’m from Artane and can be arcane.
I only said that to use the word arcane. Yeah. I know it’s insane.
Apparently it means esoteric, another beauty of a word.
It means I’m profound and deep. Some say a literary turd.

I can be clinical as for many decades I was a nurse.
And now I’ve decided to switch bedpans for verse.

I’m not the only one to bridge the gap between art and comedy.
John Cooper Clarke is the OG genius with Beasley street.

I am a national treasure I am just waiting to be found.
And I don’t think it matters whether I’m small, tall , thin or round.

By

Adele Leahy

I have named him Harry, don’t ask me why. He just looks like a Harry, less of a Henrietta or Helen.

Whenever we drive by, he is perched on the wall (of the M1 Motorway) posing. I notice everyone in their cars stop, to say hello.

He must be thinking – Look at me, aren’t I gorgeous? And, my goodness, but, yes, he is.

Apparently, they are rare in Ireland but the government has begun a re-wilding and conservation project which is proving successful ( I need a bit of re wilding myself come to think of it. )

They were extinct one hundred years ago in Ireland due to hunting and they are now fully protected here.

Buzz (my dog) isn’t sure of the Buzzard. I thought they would get on seeing as they have similar names. Buzz & Finn can smell all the neighbourhood Deliveroo he is getting and are most likely very curious and jealous.

One day I noticed he was eating raw chicken. Somebody had fed him half a raw chicken and he was in seventh heaven.

I can’t see him going anywhere soon. Why would he? When he has free Deliveroo every day and is a celebrity feathered visitor . I may get him a phone for his Deliveroo order to give him a buzz .

 

Stay fab

Adele

The birds were having a proper chirpy rave at 5 am this morning. One of the birdsongs reminded me of Insomnia by Faithless.

There are many robins where I live, including a wonderful variety of red-breasted. One has a heart-shaped red breast, and another appears to resemble a question mark. Swallows and goldfinches are numerous, too.

We have seagulls dancing in our field after the rain to catch their worms, and a couple of oystercatchers have joined the worm party.

But best of all, a beautiful Buzzard has been visiting for the last few months. At first, I thought it was a hawk but a diligent neighbour did his homework and revealed his true variety. I knew they ate mice and other rodents, but then my aunt (who has a farm in Cork) told me that they eat birds. They also eat roadkill (see M1 reference further down), rabbits (Easter will be a carnivorous picnic for him), and worms (Seagulls and Oystercatchers, guard your territory.)

All I could think of were my robins, swallows, and goldfinches. I began to feed it and noticed my neighbours doing the same thing. They are part of the Raptor family, which immediately made me think of Jurassic Park (and Sam Neill, who has me enraptured, young and older – couldn’t resist).

Stay fab

Adele

a poem about poetry

a poem is a portrait of the soul

it is incomplete and whole

vulnerable and bold

it can antagonise and cajole

aimless or towards a goal

meaningless yet foretold

cozy, warm or cold

it can shun my inner tension

and alleviate a disquieting sensation

it can relativise a situation

as a soother for my soul, did I mention

my inner child complex relation

the menacing inner spirit that seeks degradation

quelling ascension, reaping descension

a poem is an empty page

to store the rage

escape from the cage

from self-recrimination and blame

the soul to tame

in life’s wicked game

my poetry means

everything and

nothing

yet, it makes my soul sing

to fly on a wing – spread arms

of hope and serenity

a reconciliation with my

alacrity

impurity

purity

temerity

transparency

duplicity

fragility

vitality

vulgarity

humility

anxiety

serenity

a poem is love exploration

a vindication of my flaws

my ability to pause

reflect, detect a detestation

a conflation of love and hate

which my words will dissipate

fusing my mind and my heart

in words that are

magnificent

munificent

incandescent

reminiscent

pearlescent

acquiescent

evanescent

revivascent

indecent

concupiscent

detumescent

uncomplacent

omnificent

consent

Yet

Always

Always

Always

PRESENT

By

Adele Leahy

The doggy text codes roll continues. I will now stand away from the doggy text codes.

 

NCGGI – New cats gonna get it

PMGGI – Postman gonna get it

ADGGI – Amazon driver gonna get it

DDGGI – DPD driver gonna get it

ISD- I smell Deliveroo

NABR- Need a belly rub

NABRS – Need a belly rub stat

FFE- Friends fur ever

PFP- Pause for paws

BLYMI- Bark like you mean it

SMB-Sniff my butt

DMBDD- Doing my best downward dog

NTDD- Need to duvet dive

HHFSM – Hooman has farted save me

RIP- Rolled in poo

RIPAM – Rolled in poo and mingin

RIPNAS- Rolled in poo need a shower

HMNJ- Hate my new jumper

HMNR-Hate my new raincoat

FR- Feeling ruff

BMF- Be my furriend

 

Stay fab

Adele

I am on a roll here, what with the doggy poetry and now the doggy texting. I came across some Doggy Texts on TikTok and it made me smile. This would be if dogs were able to use mobile phones and text each other. But, you already had it worked out. Apols.

And of course, I had to make up some of my own. Maybe too many. Perhaps I got a bit carried away.

Bite me.

 

HOP- Hooman on phone

HFF – Hooman forgot food

HFFA – Hooman forgot food AGAIN

HIFU – Hooman is feckin useless

LOSDT – Lots of security detail today

NCEFSD – Not compensated enough for security detail

OTSFH – On toilet supervision for hooman

HASE – Have a scratchy ear

HASA – Have a scratchy arse

NECT – Not enough cuddles today

NEFT – Not enough food today

NETT – Not enough treats today

TAST – Treats are substandard today

NAW – Need a walk

NAWS – Need a walk STAT

IFTND – I fancy the neighbour’s dog

SSTE – Stellar sniffs this evening

FAFS – Found a fab stick

IBOFS – Imperial burial of fab stick

NDIT – New dog in town

NCIT – New cat in town

NSIP – New sniffs in park

 

Stay fab

Adele

A Tighter Vagina?

How I laughed when I saw this photo. Apparently, tighter twats are all the rage. The derogatory statements such as bucket fanny or, throwing sausages up O’Connell Street abound and are perpetuated by men.

Although, I am a huge fan of Viz magazine and The Fat Slags are very funny. One of them once said that her one-night stand was so skinny she would have to nail a plank across his backside to stop him from falling in. Bold, brassy and bawdy has always been my sense of humour and I cannot do anything about it now.

I have yet to see a poster with a photo of a man looking for greater girth or length.

When they do get around to it, maybe the tagline could be

• Need a thicker prick?
• Need a longer dick?
• Need a thicker and longer prick?

Although ads for Viagra are very popular in the US. I think I have seen one over here in Ireland.

I’m off to get a tighter twat.

Maybe they can make me a handbag out of the left over skin. A twat bag?

Stay fab

Adele

I know I am a little obsessed. OK, a lot obsessed. Much has been written about Robin Williams and I like to think, my many many blogs add to the testament of his brilliance. Just when I thought he could not get any better, I came across this article where he makes a gorilla laugh.

Video  https://en.newsner.com/animals/gorilla-grieving-death-of-friend-didnt-laugh-in-four-months-then-robin-williams-tickled-her/

The poor gorilla’s friend had died and she was sad. Her lips were trembling. The bear was called Koko and had been taught by a scientist to use sign language to communicate with humans. They asked Robin to meet her and see if he could help her with her grief.

Williams was patient and took the time to get to know Koko. They bonded and very soon Robin had her laughing. Call me biased, but I do not think any other comedian on the planet, now or then, could have had the same impact on Koko.

Sadly, Koko died 4 years following the interaction with Robin Williams, in 2018, at the age of 46. There is the expression to describe someone funny that I am aware of and it is

• They would make the cats laugh.

Perhaps it should be changed to

• They would make a gorilla guffaw.

 

Stay fab

Adele

 

I am a Christmas Grinch in training. On any given day I vacillate between the joy of the season and the annoyance of the season. Queuing in shops seems to bring out the very best in people, whether in the car or the actual shop. People would sell their granny to buy the last turkey on Christmas Eve.

At least the petrol stations are open on Christmas Day. Once upon a time in good ole Ireland, the whole country closed. Mass was a non-negotiable ritual. The best part was clocking the new clothes everyone was wearing as we sashayed down the aisle after communion as though it was a catwalk.

My local church was massive. They have now divided it into two, and the other half is a community centre. The ceiling had, what seemed like, hundreds of cubes in the ceiling. When I could not listen to the priest, I used to stare up at the ceiling and see how many cubes I could count.

Even at a young age I could not believe what the priest said. It smacked of hypocrisy. How could they know what a family was like, or what went on behind closed doors, when they could not marry. Despite my cynicism, I still enjoy going to churches, preferably when they are empty, as the peace is glorious.

Happy Early Christmas from The Grinch in Training.

 

Stay fab

Adele

 

 

Buzz and Finn

Buzz loves to bark and is a magnificent minx.

Finn loves to cuddle and gets up to high jinks.

They are both Morkies, Buzz is beige and Finn is black.

As long as you want love they have always got your back

Buzz is nine, with one ear up and one ear down.

Finn is six, with eyes that always fix a frown.

When we go to the beach Finn purrs like a cat.

Buzz is my shadow, at my feet, he’s loyal like that.

They love to play. Finn likes to nip Buzz in his legs and neck.

Chasing each other, Buzz weaves, as Finn is fast as heck.

He’s like lightning and enjoys picking up litter like me.

He’s happy when he finds an empty cup, better still if it’s coffee.

Finn likes to roll in poop. He’s kinda gross that way.

Having to bathe him doesn’t really make my day.

Buzz has the swagger but he hates his raincoat.

He goes into hiding and needs to be bribed with toast.

They have their best friends, dogs who bark as they walk by.

Come out and play, they holler, sniffing and wanting to say Hi.

Finn is fierce affectionate. Buzz never really was.

But when Finn came along, Buzz got the cuddle buzz.

They both love their belly rubs and I love them too.

But they cannot give them to me as well as I do.

Finn is a duvet diver, he loves the heat.

Buzz curls up outside or sleeps at my feet.

Not a day goes by when I don’t count my doggie blessings.

The walks, the fun, the joy, the playful messing.

I never thought I could be so devoted to my furry friends.

But the love they constantly impart makes any moment heaven.

By

Adele Leahy

 

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele