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Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling are busy promoting their new Barbie movie. I adore both actors but have never been a Barbie fan. Everything about the movie is pink, which is my least favourite colour. I try to be more punk than pink.

Below is the link to the trailer.

https://youtu.be/pBk4NYhWNMM

I am not a girly girl, never have been, and never will be. But the above joke did make me smile. Between a Barbie movie and the Lego movie. What is next? Marvel Comics seems to have exhausted its superhero repertoire. I did hear last week that they are doing a Barney movie. But this is a Barnie movie with a twist, as it is for adults. Apparently, it is very dark indeed. Daniel Kaluuya plays the lead, and he is an amazing actor.

If we are going down the route of an adult style Barnie movie, maybe we could have a Teletubby Horror Movie or The Wombles of Wimbledon getting whacked on weed? The possibilities are endless.

Zig and Zag must be Ireland’s most famous puppet duo. They are unashamedly rude, insulting, and irreverent, and it is very hard not to adore them. When they have interviewed celebrities over the years, they need to have a good sense of humour as Zig and Zag will rip them apart.

And just because I am obsessed with Robin Williams, here are Zig and Zag interviewing the great man himself on the Big Breakfast. I cannot believe I found it. Enjoy.

https://youtu.be/OueHkbnZjdQ

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I love it when my two dogs, Buzz and Finn, spot another dog they like and begin a circle of sniffing each other’s behind. It is essentially a ‘Sniffing circle of joy,’ as they all have doggiegasms. Dogs have roughly forty times more smell-sensitive receptors than humans, making their sense of smell forty times stronger than ours. They can also smell up to forty feet underground.

Scientists have trained them for drug detection and now detection of cancer in humans as well as Covid and blood sugar irregularities. I recently learnt that they could fly as emotional support animals, not like Superman, but on an Airplane. I knew that they are used for the blind and special needs, but it seems there is no end to how amazing they are.

Occasionally my two dogs bark at passersby. It could be because they do not like the colour of their socks, but they particularly despise delivery men such as Amazon, An Post and DPD. I can only imagine that maybe they are anti-capitalist and anti-materialist, although it is more likely they just hate delivery drivers.

I give them treats when they are quiet as a positive reward. Lately, whilst giving them a treat, I say- Peace be with you, to keep a peaceful, bark-free environment. But I do feel like a priest giving them the host. It makes me smile.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

Tantric and Orgasmic meditation will forever be associated with Sting and Trudie Styler. I believe it is taught in marketing degrees as one of the greatest media faux pas. Since he mentioned his proclivity for Tantric sex thirty years ago, he has been forever associated with it. There are now retreats that will help you train to achieve the best orgasm. Who knew?

Silent retreats do what they say on the tin. Drug retreats allow attendees to practice taking Class A drugs in a safe and guided space. A Fuck it, farting and silent retreat would be a great amalgamation of the three. Retreats that practice Cold water therapy, breathwork and Cryotherapy help circulation, reduce inflammation and allow the recipient to feel rejuvenated. The hyperoxygenation of the blood in deep breathing resets the mind and body.

Prison pampering also does what it says on the tin by pampering inmates with manicures, pedicures, massages, facials and haircuts. They pay for the services out of their earnings in prison and can receive vocational training in these areas as well as in baking, sewing, and handicrafts to prepare them for employment upon release.

Kambo-frog poison and Ayahuasca are all the rage now. People can travel to the Amazon for an authentic, immersive experience. I have tried Kambo, but it did not work for me. Seven holes were burnt into my upper arm, and the frog poison was applied for absorption. The practice involves purging through vomiting and can allow the recipient to access suppressed emotions in their subconscious. Upon application, I felt a profound wave of nausea for about an hour but little else.

Ayahuasca claims to cure mental and physical illness via communication with the spirit world, as it can be a very transformative and spiritual experience. As an Amazonian plant-based brew containing the potent psychoactive DMT, the concoction is drunk, and the recipient will then experience a profound, guided drug-like state that will access their unconscious. Many seek ayahuasca retreats to overcome trauma, depression, anxiety, addiction, and other mental health issues. It claims to re-wire your brain, but it needs careful consideration like everything.

I am off to book a Silent, Farting and Fuck It retreat.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I am doing an online digital detox course…………

I had the displeasure of attending Koh Samui in Thailand in 2009 for a detox with colonics retreat. We fasted and gave ourselves colonics twice daily for seven days. I lost five kilos and my soul. For the entire week, I, and the other sadists/gluttons for punishment (please do not excuse the dreadful pun) spoke about food. How we would cook it, serve it, and eat it. No cuisine was left undiscussed as our tummies collectively rumbled, and we suffered on regardless.

How I wish we had laughter yoga to distract us at the time. Laughter yoga combines yoga breathing techniques with simulated laughter exercises. I did it as a kid without realising I was doing it. To begin, I would force a guttural laugh and repeat this a few times. After the third or fourth time, I began laughing hysterically at the fact I sounded so ridiculous.

It was developed in 1995 by Dr Madan Kataria, a doctor from India who realised the health benefits of laughter. Apparently, the body cannot differentiate between real and fake laughter; therefore, even simulated laughter has the same benefits as real laughter.

As a participant, you let go of your inhibitions and tap into your inner child to improve mood, reduce stress levels, and boost the immune system. I would recommend wearing Tena Lady to avoid any mishaps……

‘Farting’ and ‘Fuck it’ retreats are also a thing. Although I really think that they should combine the two. In the ‘Fuck it’ retreats, the attendees are very anti-establishment and shout their dissatisfactions within a safe, non-judgmental group. A ‘Farting’ retreat is self-explanatory.

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

Inspirational Retreats appear to be the go-to holiday for now. We have always needed holidays to relax, but nowadays, we need the digital detox, too, quality time away from our screens. In Parts one, two and three, I will detail some of the more popular ones, and because of my facetious nature, I will include some that are ridiculous, and you can decide if they are true or not.

How about the Sacred Passover retreat, where you drink the ashes of the dead to encapsulate their good spirit. Bet you could be dead relaxed after it…sorry. Perhaps some time away at a retreat specialising in animals and reptiles, including snake massages and sniffing Aardvarks. Apparently, Aardvarks emit a pheromone which is extremely relaxing and can help with anxiety. Snail massages, where snails slither all over your back, also have a similar effect. An elephant-dropping massage can improve your memory and stave off dementia, as elephants never forget.

But I nearly keeled over when I discovered a retreat that insists you dress as your favorite Muppet character whilst experiencing magic mushrooms, aka psilocybin in the form of micro-dosing. I have written several blogs over the years which have featured my favorite Muppet characters hence my reaction when I discovered this retreat. Surely, they must allow us to switch and change Muppet outfits on different days to allow people like myself who have a few favorites? I can see myself now dressed as Animal one day, Grover the next and finishing with a flourish as The Swedish Chef. Honestly, I would skip the drug bit as I am not a fan and would maybe just offer to help whilst the other Muppets get merrily off their little heads.

There are such things as crying retreats where you can access any unconscious pain and attempt to release it through crying. It is great for self-soothing and releases oxytocin and endorphins, which work on physical and emotional pain such as grief, loss, trauma, depression, anxiety, and stress. I can just see myself at this retreat, crying like a banshee and enjoying every minute. For now, if I need a good cry, I just watch the movie, Pay it Forward. It works—every single time.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I believe that mindfulness should now be incorporated into eating and walking. Even though I expressed my cynicism in the previous blog, I am guilty of walking my dogs and being completely distracted by my thoughts. I call it my Mosquito mind, and I wrote a poem about it. You can find it under my poems on this blog. Over the years, I have been trying to learn to witness when my mind is like this. Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now is my favourite author for mindfulness.

Here are some more cringeworthy jokes about mindfulness.

• I’m thinking of going on an online digital detox program.
• Why do they keep giving out free chocolate at our meditation retreat?
  Because it’s a reTREAT.
• One of his students gave the Dalai Lama a big box with a ribbon for his birthday. When he opened the box, he found that it was empty inside.
  “Aha,” he exclaimed, “just what I wanted!”
• What do you call a mindful wolf? Answer: Aware wolf
• Why did the Zen master go to the beach? A: Because he wanted to ‘seas’ the present moment.
• I love meditating in my herb garden…Good Thymes…
• I’ve taken a vow of silence for the rest of my life…I can’t tell you how much it means to me.
• When giving a present, remember it’s the thought that counts. Unless it’s for a meditation teacher. In that case, it’s the thought that doesn’t count.
• My mindfulness teacher told me I’ll never stop procrastinating until I meditate, and I said just you wait.
• Can mindfulness help stop me from asking rhetorical questions?
• Cows meditate – Oom is Moo backwards.

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I received this Penguin Mindfulness book as a gift from my niece, and I pick it up when I need a giggle. Mindfulness and Menopause seem to be endlessly discussed over the last five years. The cynic in me will say that mindfulness used to be going for a walk, walking the dog, daydreaming, and gazing at a tree or a flower, but these days it must be a more intentional practice. And I get it; mental health is now at the forefront of everyone’s mind.

Meditation is a key practice, but I must admit that I am not very good at it. Inevitably zenitis will set in at some stage as my dogs start barking at passers-by. Maybe I need to teach them to meditate with me, or just not bark?

I felt the urge to research mindfulness jokes for these two blogs, so here goes. Some are good, and some are woeful, so apologies in advance.

– Ok, these jokes may be bad. But please don’t roll your third eye at me.

-Non-meditator: ‘Don’t just sit there, do something! Meditator: ‘Don’t just do something; sit there!

– What pop music does a spiritualist listen to? Chakra Khan,

– Knock, Knock. – Who’s there? – A Shaman- Shaman who? – Shaman you for not letting me in. (Shame on you, geddit?)

 

I will stop now as they are getting too cringe for me.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

Thank goodness I have never encountered what the swimmer in the photo is swimming through. Although, honestly, sewage is not always visible, as we well know.

There have been many perils that I have experienced over the years. Forgetting my pants, and my bra went missing once. I found it a month later in the pocket of the director’s chair I had used. On several occasions, I have skipped back to my car with the NKD attitude, aka, no knickers Dryrobe. Other perils include jellyfish and witnessing low-flying testicles whilst a heavily endowed overzealous man was drying his bits.

I like to think I am Ursula Andress from the famous Bond film when I exit the sea, but the reality is more Melissa McCarthy on a bad day. My exit is often twinned with me trying to fix a rather troublesome wedgie. I have swum into a few people when I was not paying enough attention. However, this is a natural enough occurrence as where I swim has three buoys measuring a kilometre swim out at sea for swimmers doing triathlon training.

Sex noises as somebody takes a dip must be the worst. A few middle-aged men do this as they look around, hoping for a reaction. It always makes me smile and cringe in equal measures.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

 

I love this photo. This would be me as the only attempt I could ever make at being an Iron Woman is, like this lady, to take an ironing board into the sea. I can swim quite well, but the running would have me walloped. Once I swam to one of the far buoys in Low Rock where I swim. It is 200 meters to the buoy and 200 meters back, I am not brave or fit enough to do the whole 1km swim. One time when I swam out to the buoy, I could not swim back due to the current. I had to do the walk of shame back to my friends as I came in off the rocks much further up.

When I hear of people like Eddie Izzard who ran 31 marathons in 30 days it baffles me. She also raised over half a million pounds for charity. Their strength and endurance is unreal. I believe some ultra-marathon runners can run 100- 200 miles. Eddie Izzard has also performed her stand-up comedy in French, German, Spanish, Russian and Arabic. She is extraordinarily talented and I adore her surreal sense of humor. ‘Cake or Death’ has to be my favorite sketch. So ridiculously clever.

Eddie Izzard – Cake or Death sketch

https://youtu.be/PVH0gZO5lq0

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJaJTu8Q/

Today was definitely one of those days. It started with a doggy walk and my two dogs going feral at a passing husky who was minding his own business and being husky-like as, after all, he was a husky. I digest, whoops, I digress. Buzz and Finn were both leashed up and last week they loved this particular husky. I cannot fathom why they can like a dog one week and then dislike it the next. It is the same with two beautiful serene Samoyed dogs. They are like big white serene clouds and again Buzz and Finn just decide to take a notion not to like them when they were licking them another time.

As I got into my car a seagull pooped on my head. Putting out the bins later, the bag burst and I had to fight off two pugs off leads that were trying to eat chicken bones. It turned out that one of the pugs was lost and I had to take him home, give him water, photograph him and put a mayday onto our residential Facebook site for somebody to claim her. She was very overweight and breathing with difficulty. I was afraid somebody had abandoned her but thankfully she was claimed.

From now on I will be armed with treats and keep my eyes more peeled than I usually do to distract them and prevent them from barking. But after today it is highly unlikely that I will put my nose outside the door. Although to be honest, I know I will.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele