Category: Uncategorized

I bought these to make simple bracelets for my sister’s hen party.  The purchase could only be made in bulk at the time hence 100 cocks. The photo is merely a sample size.

They arrived too late, which was a shame as I would have liked to have made them. However, it was still an amazing Hen Party.  We went to Marbella, ate, drank and were very merry indeed.

Whenever I tell this story I begin with the fact that I purchased 100 cocks. I am frequently shocked at the reactions that I receive. People automatically assume the worst and I very quickly have to put them straight.

The fact that butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth makes it all the more alarming.  Apparently, it is deemed a ‘Double Entendre’ or something. My innocence knows no bounds as I have never even heard of the term.

Ok. I lie. I have the mind of a sewer and thoroughly enjoy the shock factor of telling this story.  So, shoot me.  I can’t help it if I have a filthy mind and enjoy a giggle, chuckle and on occasion a little chortle.   So here I am left with 100 cocks and not knowing what I should do with them.    If you have any urgent need for these please message me and I would be happy to oblige by posting them on.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

George Lucas has a lot to answer for.  Little did he realize that in 1977 his movie would become a 70-billion-dollar industry.  Nine films later it’s hard to believe that it began with a trilogy, then a prequel trilogy and finally a sequel trilogy. Lucas eventually sold his production company to Disney in 2012. It is currently the fifth highest grossing media franchise of all time.

Imagine my surprise and glee when I went to search for a funny Star Wars image and I found the cookie monster.  He seems to follow me everywhere and has appeared now in at least 4 of my blogs. Besides the fact that I am a bit obsessed with him I cannot believe that he is in this picture.

With the internet asking us every day if we accept cookies, I really see a missed opportunity here. Why isn’t the cookie monster asking us?  It would make my internet searching much more pleasurable.

So, this is an official plea to Sesame Street to ask the Cookie Monster if he can represent the ‘Do you accept cookies’ pop up around the world?  I know that he is very busy and that there are cookies to be eaten but this would be a very valuable global service that he could offer.

Let me know if you support my campaign. I will see if I can hashtag it.

Cookies away.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

Last week I was looking forward to catching up with an old friend on What’s App. She texted me to apologize that she would be late calling me as she had to deal with a suicidal shrew.  My immediate thoughts were that I hoped that her mother-in-Law would be OK. But apparently, I completely misunderstood her message.

It transpires that she did have to deal with a suicidal shrew but that it was not of the human but the mammalian variety.  She had heard the shrew the previous day in the loft and both her husband and herself had tried to unsuccessfully catch it.

On the day of our call, it had flung itself unceremoniously onto their concrete patio and died a tragic death. Not such a shrewd move (sorry, not sorry,). They had to remove it and bury it in the nearby field.

I must add at this point that I had to research shrews as I knew nothing about them. My friend lives in France. You can see from the picture that they are very small and very cute miniature long nosed mouse like animals.

I was intrigued as to why the little thing would perform such a jump.   Maybe he wanted to learn how to fly?  Anyhoo upon further research it transpires that they are fierce little randy things indeed.

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/why-a-little-mammal-has-so-much-sex-that-it-disintegrates

They mate non-stop for 2-3 weeks, going at it for 14 hours at a time until its body is ravaged and their insides liquefy. This results in what appears to be suicide.  It only lives to one year of age. What a way to go.

 

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

My apologies in advance for the drunken Irish stereotype portrayed in this video.  But, like the story, it did make me giggle.

https://youtu.be/la89WX6_DW4

I was told a story the other day by a friend which caused me to chuckle rather loudly.  There may also have been a guffaw preceded by a snicker. The story concerned a drunken postman.

My friend had married a man many moons ago that she had met on an island whilst on holiday. During her time there the postman became renowned for his love of the drink.

Being called ‘Pat the Pint’ didn’t help either.  She mentioned that by and large he managed to keep his passion for pints under control. But that every now and again she would notice some letters strewn along the roadside as she would be driving to the local farmer’s market.

She knew then that there was really no point in going to the farmers market as they would all be at home sleeping off what was possibly a ‘lock in’ the night before.

This is a phenomenon in the UK and Ireland where the pub owner will close the doors and allow everyone that it already inside to drink to their hearts content until they can no longer walk or talk. Which does pose its own risk as getting people home would always be fraught with difficulty.

Excuse me please whilst I calm Buzz and Finn down from becoming feral as the postman has arrived.

 

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

Yay. World Naked Gardening Day. I thought it would never arrive. However, I did get into a spot of bother unfortunately. I was starkers on my patio and as I live in a ground floor apartment with many passers-by my birthday suit was not well received. My decision to nip in the bud by putting some clothes on turned out to be a good one.

 

WPA- Woeful pun alert.    Spot the number of puns and post the answer to me.

My address is 67 Cross the street,  Titless Avenue,  Arseville 2089KA

The winner gets to feel smug and collect the deeds to The Botanic Gardens as a prize.

My bush has dried up and badly needs tending to. I have asked the community gardener to tend to it but he says that he needs a hoe. Trying to achieve the ‘Zen Garden’ look was difficult and, in the end, I decided go for the’ lady garden’ theme instead.

Trying to find the right tool to complete the job was a trial. Then I recalled that it had not been able to fit in my box and I had placed it elsewhere.

Midway through the afternoon I became peckish and decided upon Nudels (Noodles) for my lunch.  I am off to have a nice cup of nude-it-tea.

How many did you get?

 

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

 

I saw The Jungle Book when I was 7 years old in an open-air cinema in Nigeria.  My father was on contract to Nigerian Airways from Aer Lingus at the time.

We lived there for six months and they are some of my favorite memories of all time.  I will never forget this movie and the experience. I was transfixed.

My obsession with Disney and animation began there and then. From Mogli and Balou, Kaa and Bagheera to Shere Khan it was mesmerizing.

I drove my mother wild asking her to bring me again and singing ‘I’m the King of the Swingers’ and ‘The bare necessities’ around the house for months. I also took to ripping up a sheet- much to my mother’s discontent- and wearing a piece of it around the house as a loin cloth.

This brings me to my book ‘Tara Tree’ a romantic comedy fiction and part of a trilogy.   I have finally finished the first draft.  I employed the Jungle Book Motto – If anyone can I Shere Khan ‘. And I did.

The not so joyous art of editing is now in process. Once the editing finishes, I will begin the Prequel. Why? Because if anyone, can I Shere Khan.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

I adore my two dogs ‘Buzz and Finn’. I mention them often enough throughout my blog.  They are my spirit animals. They are all the spirit I need as I gave up alcohol 19 months ago and am feeling all the better for it.

Buzz is four years old now and in the early days I realized that my love for him was possibly reaching a tipping point. I noticed his inimitable penchant for sniffing poo and found myself poo spotting for him. Too much?  Yes, I know.

However, when I got Finn 2 years ago, he had somewhat upped the poo sniffing game to eating it. And rolling in it. A blissful day for him would be rolling in poo after ingesting some of it. It is gross.   All the same I do find myself on occasion going back to the poo spotting.

‘My eyeshite’ is the phrase I use for this practice. I am aware that it is a dreadful affliction. One of my lovely neighbors yesterday confessed to picking up other people’s dog poo.

He has a gorgeous dog and two beautiful children.  As he uses the green areas where we live a lot, he wants to keep them clean for his kids. His neighborly commitment to keeping our areas poo free is rather impressive.

I pick up litter that has been left around. Maybe I need to do a bit more?    Maybe not. For now, I think I just need to wean myself off the poo spotting.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

This cartoon is from my favorite lewd, ribald and coarse magazine ‘Viz’- crap jokes section.

This has to be Mrs. Doyle in Father Ted at her very very finest.

The Joy of Cursing. Yes, I said it.  I love cursing. Unfortunately, it is a hobby that I am unable to allow myself to indulge in as frequently as I would like.  Somebody once told me that there are holidays specifically tailored to weaning you onto hard drugs- in a safe environment- of course. I suppose it makes sense. If you are going to take them why not do it in a safe environment under guided supervision.

It must be a very different classroom to what I was brought up in. The teacher may ask

‘How are you? Are you off your tits yet? ‘

‘Oh yes Miss. Completely and utterly tittless’.

Whilst this is not my cup of tea or gram of coke.   I have been wondering if such a holiday could exist for people like me who wish to spend 7 days dropping the ‘f’ and ‘c’ bombs to our hearts content. Or dare I say cuntent……

Imagine the check in

‘What the f*ck do you want?’

‘I want to f*ck*n check in’

Well, you are some c**t for asking me that.   But here’s your f**kin key’.

‘How do I get to my f*ck*n room?’

‘Just f*ck off you stupid c**t’.

My idea of bliss.  No social niceties.  No manners.  Just sheer bliss and freedom to be coarse and belligerent.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

I heard one of my favorite comedians Bill Bailey tell a lovely animal rescue story.  It was when he was in Guangdong touring with his comedy show. His wife was with him and they were having a meal in a Chinese restaurant.

They noticed an owl in a cage near the kitchen.  Being the animal lover that he is, Bill noticed that the owl was looking particularly miserable. To be honest I am not sure how he could tell as owls seem to me to be quite expressionless. But he is Bill Bailey. A comedic demi God.

Anyhoo, twit twoo (couldn’t resist) he decided that he was going to ask the owner of the restaurant if he could buy it.  When he was telling the story he mentioned that he was not even sure if the owl was going to be part of the menu, hence the owl’s general demeanor.

After much haggling, eventually the owner agreed to sell the owl to Bill and his wife. They took a taxi to the nearest forest and released the bird.  He said that he got tremendous satisfaction from doing this.

Which does not surprise me as I would imagine anyone would experience great joy in releasing a bird or preventing it from ending up as a crispy owl pancake.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele

Finn was as sick as a dog yesterday.  I wonder where that phrase comes from.?  Well, thanks to Google I have found out. Where would we be without it?  Possibly Googless ?   If that is even a word?  Enough of the questions.

Apparently, it comes from the early 1700’s when diseases like the plague were primarily said to be spread by animals such as dogs. All things undesirable were compared to our canine friends.

The day started well, myself and a friend had a picnic at the beach. We wiled away a few hours chatting and gazing at the ever-changing sky from menacing grey clouds and rain to Mediterranean blue. Buzz and Finn were in their element chasing each other round.

A few hours later Finn was shivering, panting and peed so much in my living room that it resembled a lake at one time. I couldn’t clean it up quick enough as he was at it again. Poor thing.

I guessed that he had possibly eaten something that did not agree with him and promptly whisked him off to the vet. As ever they looked after him in their caring and wonderful professional manner.

He is fine today. As good a dog as he ever was or will be. Buzz also looked after him or Dr. Buzz as I call him sometimes as he does like to lick anything better.

That is when he is not performing the early morning medical breath assessment.  This is when he comes within 1 cm of my mouth to sniff my breath. Once he is happy, he jumps off. A friend confided in me that her dog also performed this daily health assessment.

I am blessed with two gorgeous little dogs who are very very good dogs indeed.

That’s all for now

Stay fab

Adele