My Blog

The above-the-ground blog was used in my Short Story, Flashing Pope, which was published in November 2022; more about this in my final best-of blog. As for the Man marries his dog series, well, it must be read to be believed. I had to celebrate my 400th milestone blog and throw in a few cringeworthy puns.

Wordplay has always and will always be one of my favourite things and ‘Imperfecked’ is how I would often describe myself. Any excuse to weave the word ‘feck’ into any word or sentence always puts a smile on my face.

 

1. April 10^th Above the ground – http://adeleleahy.ie/above-the-ground/

 

2. May 2^nd Man marries his dog series – http://adeleleahy.ie/man-marries-his-dog-pawt-one-of-three/

 

3. May 30^th 400^TH Blog and Punitis – http://adeleleahy.ie/my-400th-blog-and-punitis/

 

4. June 13^th Imperfecked – http://adeleleahy.ie/imperfecked/

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

Warning, two of the poems are not happy. They were written when I was sad and were a useful and cathartic tool to help me deal with the emotions of the time. They are Soul Blink and Mosquito Mind. As Daniel Day-Lewis as Christy Brown in My Left Foot once said, ‘They were written in my blue period.’ And not because I am a closet menstruating Smurf but because whatever was going on at the time required me to write these poems to help me process it.

Poem – Soul Blink

http://adeleleahy.ie/poem-soul-blink/

Poem- Mosquito Mind

http://adeleleahy.ie/poem-mosquito-mind/

Poem -Daisy Dreaming

http://adeleleahy.ie/poem-daisy-dreaming/

 

Daisy Dreaming is decidedly chirpier and I hope you enjoy it.

Besides my poetry, I always enjoy sharing the ‘Best of ‘, from the last year of blogging. The ones I have chosen are the ones I enjoyed writing the most and when I reread them, they still make me smile. Perhaps they will have the same effect on you?

 

1. Jan 09th 2022 Naughty Naughty Priest Father King – http://adeleleahy.ie/naughty-naughty-priest-father-king/

2. Feb 7^th Little Britain – Fat Fighters Marjorie- http://adeleleahy.ie/little-britain-fatfighters-marjory/

3. Mar 7^th Open Mic – http://adeleleahy.ie/open-mic-night/

4. Mar 20^th Singing Coffee Van Man – http://adeleleahy.ie/singing-coffee-van-man/

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

Happy New Year to one and all, may your joys be tenfold and your problems be small. 

May you rise to your challenges as though you are ten feet tall, 

And may you live each day to see the wonder in them all.

Ten years ago, I read that haemorrhoid cream was a great cure for wrinkles under the eyes. Gobshite that I am, of course, I had to try it, and I couldn’t get to the chemist quick enough and lather it beneath my eyes. And the good news was that it did, in fact, get rid of my under-eye wrinkles. Although, they were replaced by swollen, red scaly, flaky (akin to bad eczema) patches. Vanity is a dreadful thing; at times, as a young girl, I was a divil for plucking my eyebrows. To the point where I ended up with none and had to draw them in for years.

Sunbathing was another disaster. Having freckled skin made me determined to get a good enough tan so all my freckles would join together. I can honestly remember lying out in our back garden as a teenager and considering using a mirror for tanning my face while lying on my tummy. Like a lot of people, I found it easier to tan my front more than my back, and I resented the time wasted when my face could be getting browner. On one occasion, my sister was hanging washing on the line, and I roared at her to move the socks as they were casting a shadow on me.

Leslie Ash, famously of the ‘trout pout’, and Linda Evangelista, with cryolipolysis (a body contouring cosmetic treatment to remove areas of body fat), are two of the most well-known celebrities that have suffered beauty treatment fails. Leslie’s lips look normal by today’s standards and Linda is still beautiful.

Body dysmorphia seems to be a growing worrying trend which is only worsened by some celebrities using ridiculous filters on their Instagram feed.

I am glad to say that I now use Factor 50 daily and leave my eyebrows alone. My under-eye wrinkles are from all the laughing I have done over my lifetime and will continue to do.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I had the misfortune of attending ER in Beaumont Hospital on Christmas Day as a chest infection was resilient to three antibiotics and three courses of steroids. Poor me, but seriously there is a woeful triumvirate of flu, Covid and chest infections going around. It seems even worse than when we had Covid, as, during that time, many of us thought that it was primarily Covid that we were fighting.

The waiting time was four hours as I had a chest x-ray and bloods taken. During this time, I was treated to some great emergency room chat entertainment that I thought I might share with you.

I was sitting in a cubicle with a couple behind me, and the partner was trying to cheer his girlfriend up.

-Ah, sure, it could be worse. It could be Christmas day.

-But it is.

-I know, I’m only messin.

-Keep that up ‘an you’ll need a few more x-rays.

Then I was privy to somebody registering, and my heart went out to the lady that was trying to get his details to see if he already had a file.

-I was on the lash, an I think I broke me toe.

-What makes you think that?

-Well, it’s painin me an’ bruised.

-Have you been here before?

-Do ya mean do I come here often? Heard tha’ in Coppers last night.

-No, I mean, have you ever been here before?

-Yeah, I brought me Ma in last month.

-As a patient? To see if we have a file on you?

-Ehm, no, don’t think so.

-What’s your date of birth?

-I’m old enough to be here. I promise.

At this point, I couldn’t suppress the giggles anymore and forced myself to cough, which started a spasm of coughing convulsions. I was then called back in to get my results. I am glad to say that all is grand as two days later, a Christmas miracle occurred, and I began to feel less like an 80-year-old with TB and Emphysema.

Merry Christmas to one and all.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I heard an Irish phrase recently, and it tickled me as it reminded me of Fozzie Bear from the Muppets. Come to think of it, anything that reminds me of The Muppets always seems to tickle me. Watching them as a child were some of my greatest childhood memories. They regularly feature in my blogs. From Kermit to Animal, to Miss Piggy and, of course, the one and only Grover.

Ná bac le mac an bhacaigh (pronounced -wakka )  is ní bhacfaidh mac an bhacaigh leat! —- Don’t bother the beggar’s son, and the beggar’s son won’t bother you! – Fozzy Bear in The Muppets- Wakka wakka wakka.

https://youtu.be/yFOuCYHvtoA

And here are The Muppets singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Why? Because I just cannot help myself.

https://youtu.be/tgbNymZ7vqY

This is a beautiful famous Irish saying, Nil aon tinteán mar do thinteán féin / There’s no Fireside like your own.

And of course, the rude parody version of the same saying, Nil aon thontain mar do thontain fein- theirs no asshole like my asshole. Everyone knows, Pog mo thon- kiss my arse, which has to be one of our most famous and loved Irish phrases. I blame my propensity for being crude, crass and ribald on being Irish. At least that’s my excuse and I am going to stick to it.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

Here are some silly jokes that have tickled me lately, which are more than welcome as they have helped me over my temporary Decemberitis.

 

One armed butlers. They can take it, but they can’t dish it out – Tim Vine, Comedian and Godfather of one-liners.

 

Room service, send up a larger room

 

A few decades ago, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die

 

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time

 

I like the Pope. You know the white thing on his head? If you push that down and twist it. It is full of sweets 

 

My mind has morphed into animal puns and jokes for the last week, and I am desperate to stop, as it is just not funny anymore.

 

Depeche Moooood, if ever a herd of cows wanted to re-imagine the greatest 90’s synth rock band?

 

Do cows ever get into Moods? Moo-ds 

 

A bar run by a dog- Bar King?

 

When a panda pees, is it pandemonium? Panda, ammonium? 

 

If cows had phones, would they be called a moobile? 

 

If the Sesame Street cookie monster and a dog were crossed with each other, would it be called a Cookie Dough -Berman pincher? (Doberman….)

 

If a sloth was to become a private investigator, would it be called a stealth sleuth sloth? (Try saying that quickly or after Christmas dinner).

 

You may be relieved to hear that I will now step far away from the bad jokes.

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

https://www.thi-wurd.com/publications/

What a city, what a weekend. Glasgow surpassed all my expectations. On the night of the Alternating currents anthology launch by thi-wurd, I recited my short story, Flashing Pope and received wonderful feedback. It got some laughs which made my night. It is a truly wonderful anthology lovingly compiled by Alan McMunnigall and his team. The front cover art design and the illustrations within the book are also beautiful.

Earlier in the day, my sister and I decided to go to the Kelvingrove Art history museum. It is a large magnificent red brick Victorian building that would easily take more than a day to get around. It has a north, south, east and west and reminded me of a mini-Louvre.

On Friday night, we had probably one of my favourite meals as it combined my love of Indian and Tapas. It was an Indian Tapas restaurant, something I have never seen in Ireland. Later in the evening, we went to a luxury cinema called Everyman, which was showing the movie, She said. The story outlined the struggle of the journalists to convince the victims of Harvey Weinstein to tell their stories.

It has inspired me to write a poem called ‘Hush,’ where so many of the most heinous crimes of the last fifty years have involved silence and moving perpetrators of these crimes around to avoid confronting the real issues.

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

I was daydreaming yesterday and began to think of silly re-imagined names of rock bands if all of the members were dogs. I started with ‘Bone Jovi’ ( which I was quite proud of, and then I got a little carried away….. Have you any more suggestions?

1. Snow Pawtrol
2. The Waggerboys ( The Waterboys)
3. Super Furry Animals-Obvs.
4. Red Hot Chili Papillons
5. Don’t stop retrievers, the Foreigner song. I went off-piste here.
6. Black Eyed Paws
7. Ruff Leppard
8. Bones’n Roses
9. Muttley Crew
10. Muttorhead
11. Pet shop boys, obvs
12. The Beagles ( Mash up of Eagles& Beatles)
13. Limp dog Bizkit
14. The Animals, obvs
15. Earth, Wind and Furr
16. The Velvet Undergrowl
17. The Boomtown Ruffs
18. The Irish Rovers, obvs
19. Hot House Fowlers
20. Fidoline
21. The Moondogs, obvs.Irish
22. Pawcture this
23. Pawlow Queens
24. The Paw Doctors
25. The Curonas

 

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

 

The sea was Baltic today.

-Of course, it was, says you; – What in God’s name did you expect it to like on November 20th? Did you possibly expect it to be balmy?  Did you think you would need to cool down after it?

I know I am mad to do it, but that is my favourite part. Oh, and when I get home, I feel bionic from the endorphin aftereffect.

Somebody once wrote on Twitter that they spotted a pod of endorphins swimming off the coast of Skerries in North County Dublin, which is an expression I love.

As I was getting out of the sea, somebody asked me what it was like.

I said- Ah, sure, once you get down and swim around for a few minutes, it’s still fecking freezing, which made him laugh.

Having experienced hypothermia in my first six months of sea swimming through my first winter, I am once bitten and twice shy. I dried off and wriggled into each thermal layer as quickly as possible: five layers in total. I then shimmied up the steps and into my car, where I turned the heat on full blast. The thoughts of a nice hot cup of coffee when I got home kept me going.

Once home I got to my bedroom to be greeted by a frantic Buzz and Finn who performed their perfunctory forensic sniffing test to ascertain where I had been and to see if I had been fraternizing with any other dogs. Their greeting is always the cherry on top of the bionic swim.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele

https://youtu.be/SHpusaIBQyI

My favorite animal, and they only poo weekly. Who knew? And just if they could not be cuter, it transpires they also do a post-poo dance. Unreal, eh? I have been known to do a post-poo dance occasionally, particularly when it is almost a religious experience or tantamount to giving birth.

When I trained as a nurse, my principal tutor, Sr.Madeline, drilled into us, ‘Always obey the call to stool’. She even made it sound like a calling/ religious experience too. She was a Franciscan Missionary from Singapore. Her reason for the warning was that if you do not ‘obey the call to stool’, it is very unhealthy for the bowel. Basically, it can help prevent cancer. Her sound advice has always stayed with me.

In my book, Tara Tree, Tara is caring for a patient who claims he needs a laxative at medicine time. When she asks why he replies,’ I have a tiny Gandalf at the exit of my rectum screaming, ‘Thou shall not pass.’ Tara cannot help but giggle whilst giving him the laxative.

Our bodies are miraculous, such a complex biological wonder with systems running and cells processing at an unbelievable pace each second. Anyhoo, I’m off to do something that requires a little dance once it is finished.

All the best

Stay fab

Adele